When Jane and Michael Banks wrote an advertisement for a nanny, they were very clear in their expectations
- cheery disposition
- rosy cheeks
- no warts
- play games-all sorts
- very kind
- witty
- very sweet
- fairly pretty
- take us on outings
- give us treat
- sing song, all sorts
- never be cross
- love us as a son and daughter
- never smell of barley water
- do not scold and dominate us
What if you were writing an advertisement for the perfect friend? What would you include on your list? Mine may look something like this...
- tells it like it is, even if it means correcting me and setting me straight when needed
- willing to spend time with me
- trustworthy, honest
- good listener
- fun
- sees the humor in life
- expresses empathy
- non judgemental
- supportive
- self confident
- looks for the good in me
The list could go on and on!!!
Truth is, finding a friend isn't necessarily too hard. Finding a friend worth keeping around....now that's a whole new conversation!!
I feel like friendships fall into three different stages
STAGE ONE
Honeymoon Phase--in this phase life is pretty much perfect. We may notice a few flaws, but we dismiss them as insignificant. Both parties are quick to forgive, slow to anger and completely enamored with one another. The focus is on commonalities. Relationships in this level are quite surface and also blissful. With your kids, it's like when they were really young and could do no wrong. Sometimes friendships never progress passed this point and that's okay!!!
STAGE TWO
The Mud-eventually real life hits and that sweet little toddler may cover your cat in honey or decide to bring a tin can into the playroom and use it as a potty for the day. This is not real cute behavior when you are the one who has to get the honey out of the carpet when the cat tries to rub it off or the one who has to clean up the waste that didn't quite land perfectly in the tin can and is now pee and poop smeared on toys. REALLY NOT CUTE!! Maybe it's a friend who doesn't keep a confidence or show up late to your lunch date. Sometimes in stage two we are working through the muck--noticing the imprefections and working through them. Truth is, we've progressed through stage one to get here. In this stage there's often the idea that we need to "fix" the other person or help them progress. What if we are wrong about that? What if, we actually can see their imperfections and love them anyway!?!?
STAGE THREE
The beauty in stage three is learning to notice the imperfections and love them anyway! This the the stage of MUTUAL RESPECT or the GOLDEN YEARS!! It doesn't mean you think the other person is perfect--quite the opposite!! You love them NO MATTER WHAT!! You genuinely notice the good and focus on it. You drop the idea that it's your job to fix or to help the other person change and you JUST LOVE!!
The only thing between the Honeymoon and the Golden Years is a little mud. When you look at it that way...bring it on-it's going to be totally worth it!
Sometimes a client has a thought so golden, I just have to share. When we were talking through what she really wanted for her life, what she wanted more than anything else was "TO BE COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH MYSELF"
This is worth repeating folks...she want TO BE COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HERSELF!
Some of us fear that to truly love and accept ourselves the way we are would mean we will stop changing and improving. WHAT IF the exact opposite is true? What is loving ourselves completely is the fastest way to get from the honeymoon stage to the golden years in our relationship with ourself?!?!
What would it look like if I WERE MY OWN BEST FRIEND....I would:
- tells it like it is, even if it means correcting myself and setting myself straight when needed
- willing to spend time with myself
- trustworthy, honest
- good listener
- fun
- sees the humor in life
- expresses empathy
- non judgemental
- supportive
- self confident
- looks for the good in me
This doesn't look at all like conceipt or like living stagnant without progressing--it's quite the opposite! This looks like loving myself to the newer better version of myself.
Who wants to join me? I'm ALL IN!!!
The three best tools I can offer you to help you jump from stage two to three the fastest are:
- Notice the negative thoughts that pop in your head and do not allow them space to stay--replace them with something positive and let THOSE thoughts be the ones that get to stay
- Practice Gratitude-Gratitude actually rewires your brain in a powerful way! The more you look for reasons to be grateful, the easier it will be to find them!!
- Compliment Generously-Compliment yourself every time you pass a mirror. Find genuine things to compliment others on. It's so fun!!
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